I’m really tired of feeling guilty about growing up.
Yeah, I’ll be off on my own in a two years. So what? I’ll make it. You made it when you were 16, and you’re making it a huge deal that I won’t be able to last three weeks on my own. I really can’t stand the idolizing, and it’s just aggravating everyone.
Stop making me feel guilty.
You don’t know how bad it makes me feel whenever I go out and it’s completely voluntary and you say something along the lines of, “You don’t do shit in this house.” or, “When you come home, we’re going to have a long talk so you get this information in that thick head of yours.” I DREAD coming home.
At the movies today with Christiana and Josh, I seriously teared up in the theater. I don’t know what was going through my mind, but I completely zoned out and realized, “I’m completely fucked whenever I go out.” and shitshitshit, when you hung up on me when I called… it was completely unnecessary. I felt horrible afterwards because I had to leave them and I just couldn’t look them in the eye to say “I’ll talk to you guys later.”
What pains me inside is when someone knows something is wrong, but to make it completely subtle that they know, they just discreetly touch your arm or something and say, “Call me later.”
I don’t want them to know. It’s not that I don’t trust them with anything, it’s just that I don’t want them to worry. I don’t want to ruin their day. It’s not just Christiana and Josh, it’s pretty much anyone. I feel guilty writing this blog. I just need to let it out…
I’m just so sick of it. I don’t want to feel guilty. I don’t want to go straight to a community college after high school. There’s nothing wrong with it, but I just don’t want to. But if I have to go, then I’m willing to go. If I’m the one that’s chosen to support my family, then I’ll support them. If I’m thrown a challenge, I’ll accept. I’ll give away my future to somebody else if it means my family is happy.
I’m willing to lose everything I gained.
And I think I am.
