‘Suuup.(:
This is new. I’m really used to blogspot… but I’ll give this a try.
:]
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Guilt.
I’m really tired of feeling guilty about growing up.
Yeah, I’ll be off on my own in a two years. So what? I’ll make it. You made it when you were 16, and you’re making it a huge deal that I won’t be able to last three weeks on my own. I really can’t stand the idolizing, and it’s just aggravating everyone.
Stop making me feel guilty.
You don’t know how bad it makes me feel whenever I go out and it’s completely voluntary and you say something along the lines of, “You don’t do shit in this house.” or, “When you come home, we’re going to have a long talk so you get this information in that thick head of yours.” I DREAD coming home.
At the movies today with Christiana and Josh, I seriously teared up in the theater. I don’t know what was going through my mind, but I completely zoned out and realized, “I’m completely fucked whenever I go out.” and shitshitshit, when you hung up on me when I called… it was completely unnecessary. I felt horrible afterwards because I had to leave them and I just couldn’t look them in the eye to say “I’ll talk to you guys later.”
What pains me inside is when someone knows something is wrong, but to make it completely subtle that they know, they just discreetly touch your arm or something and say, “Call me later.”
I don’t want them to know. It’s not that I don’t trust them with anything, it’s just that I don’t want them to worry. I don’t want to ruin their day. It’s not just Christiana and Josh, it’s pretty much anyone. I feel guilty writing this blog. I just need to let it out…
I’m just so sick of it. I don’t want to feel guilty. I don’t want to go straight to a community college after high school. There’s nothing wrong with it, but I just don’t want to. But if I have to go, then I’m willing to go. If I’m the one that’s chosen to support my family, then I’ll support them. If I’m thrown a challenge, I’ll accept. I’ll give away my future to somebody else if it means my family is happy.
I’m willing to lose everything I gained.
And I think I am.
Went to see Quarantine with Christiana and Josh today. Completely spontaneous.
I didn’t know until the end that it was a remake of the Spanish film “REC”. I really didn’t think Quarantine was as bad as everyone says it is. The ending killed it. ><
Anyway, I’m going to be cleaning for the rest of the day and tomorrow, probably. Chris has been gone for a while, and there’s just something that’s missing in the house.
I think I’m going to exercise later. I feel soooo unhealthy, because I’ve been munching on tons of granola bars and bagels. xD
Oh, and at Tanforan, we were going to get frozen yogurt, and I thought of Sis Sui.(:
I don’t have any work for school this weekend, which is weird. Maybe I should work on Sojourn stuff, or read re Aeneid.<3
I don’t like it when I’m put in these situations.
and your answer pretty much just dismisses the person…
I didn’t mean to. and as much as you wanted to, I wouldn’t have felt right.
Is it greedy to say that the only reason why is because I wouldn’t feel right?
Homecoming meeting today… apparently, I’ve been missing out on all meetings this week. I’m happy Cris reminded me, I probably would have been shunned or something if I didn’t get the memo.
I need to keep working on the DVD… I mean, 21 more days. I want to get a bulk of the menu done before I get any footage. And I also need interviews. I should start those next week.
I really want to go see the Blue Angels this weekend. I just love sitting there, watching them. <3
My mouth tasted like glue.
At least in first and second period.
Licking envalopes before school isn't all that fun.
Today is dragging on… I want to cry. It really is making me angry,
and I can't do anything about it.
I've been backed into a corner.
"Calm down… Take a deep breath and think about Cristobal. That's
what I do." -Charlie
From this last week….
There’s nothing much I can say about the things that have been going on this last week.
My mom has been trying to get me to not want to go on the Nicaragua trip; her excuses range from, “You’re going to get a virus.”, “You’ll faint.”, “You’re going to die.”, and, “You’re going to get a bad case if diarrhea.” I can’t defend myself against any of these comments because she lived there about 37 years ago. Of course, things have changed since then, but I don’t know how much. I can’t be afraid of a foreign country, and I’m pretty exhausted from the whole, “But it’s a third world country,” there’s no difference where I go. Nicaraguans are still people. They still live on land. Still drink water. Still have fun. They’re like you and me; and even if there may be a language barrier, I’ll climb that barrier and show you that I have the willpower to do so. I’m the one paying for this trip, and doing all the work for it. There’s so much work included to go on this and Sojourn, it’s pretty much like piling an AP class onto my schedule. Let alone fundraising in my free time for the cost of the trips? In total, it’s around $4,600 without the scholarship, but if I qualify, $3,050. Considering that I’m only 16… that’s still a large amount. But if people have done it before, so can I.
I really think my dad’s depressed. He’s been sighing a lot, and swearing for reasons that he never swore against before. We have a lot of housework to do, and it’s getting to the point where my parents just say, “Work on your education. Don’t worry about us.” How can I just ignore everything going on? I can’t, they’re my family, and I care more about them than I do myself. If they have stress, I’ll carry more. I’m just sitting here not knowing where to start, or what to do. They’ve already told me that they support everything I do and will stop what they’re doing to help, but that’s not fair. That just makes me feel guilty. I was supposed to help them pick out flooring and furniture today, but I have a JAC workshop to go to from 9-5. At first, my mom gets angry because I’m putting my whole Sunday to JAC, but then she says, “We’ll take you and pick you up.” I feel like it was a choice for her. She was upset yesterday, too, because the SATs took almost 2 hours longer than expected, and we were going to catch a movie at the Metreon during that period. I understand that, but it just being upset over not watching a movie can’t compare to the guilt I feel for it…
I just went up to my room after they told me that I was a depressed and spoiled child. I don’t want to be treated this way anymore.
I have faith…
I shouldn’t have to cry anymore.
It's finally Friday, but it doesn't feel like it. xD
I can imagine- sitting in Jefferson for four hours, rain falling…
I like it.(:
We have our first Homecoming meeting today. I'm super excited, I've
never participated before; our theme is the 90s.<3
